Merry Christmas!

I love Christmas! And I've had a great one! I opened presents (and got lots of great stuff), I spent a lovely afternoon with my family, I watched both "White Christmas" and "Holiday Inn," I had a great Christmas dinner, and then the family settled in for a lovely yuletide vieweing of "Live Free or Die Hard."

Afterward, most of the family went to bed, and my dad and I watched a few episodes of "The Office" on TBS. During which I saw this commercial about fifty times: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiV0vvFvl1M.

My day was so good that I thought I would take this opportunity to finally finally finally vent all of the vitriol that has been mounting inside me about this commercial since the first time I saw it, about nine months ago! Ahh... I feel relieved already. What a lovely gift to myself.
So, I grew up in Maryland, and I'm used to Mattress Discounter commercials with poor production values. But, right off the bat, this is something different. This is a national advertising campaign. This is a commercial which gets run, presumably, against commercials like the Dominoes thing with the guy with the Oreo beard and that one with all the pickup trucks and that John Mellencamp song. All right, so it's not the AFI 100, but these are presumably ads which are created by professionals who are supposedly schooled in the art of making people want to buy stuff.

It's also different because it's been running for nine months. As near as I can figure, this means one of two things: a) Jose Cuervo has an advertising department which is either too stupid to know that they've got one of the worst commercials on television, or b)this ad campaign actually makes people want to drink Cuervo Black Medallion. Now, I've blogged extensively on the anti-intellectual/condescending/destructive nature of most of what gets sent out on the air waves (especially things which purport to show cool people acting cool), and I'm fully prepared to expect the worst from people, but to think that anybody's opinions are swayed by this ad is just too much for me. Just suggesting that it might makes me want to go take a long nap.

What is so offensive about this ad campaign? What has roused my ire such that I have deemed it a Christmas gift to myself to write this post? What, in short, makes this Jose Cuervo ad the single worst commercial on television? Oh, a few things. Let's make a list, shall we?

1) Right out of the gate, the commercial is structured like a how-to on how to order a Cuervo Black and Cola. Okay, I'll be honest, that kind of rouses my interest. Obviously, there's virtually nothing easier than ordering a drink, especially when the sole ingredients of the drink are listed in the name of the drink. But, apparently order a CBC (as I like to call it) requires more finesse. I'd like to hear more. I mention this only because the slight rise in expectation only deepens the crushing blow to follow.

2) The commercial is shot like a music video. Edit: a bad music video. And with enough bad fades and bad transitions to make me think that it was probably edited on iMovie. To this point, my criticisms are minor and mostly matters of taste, but things are about to go way downhill.

3) STEP ONE: WALKUP TO THE BAR. There are at least two major things wrong with this. First and foremost, "walkup" is not a word. I assume that they mean "walk up" and they've fallen victim to the same misapprehension that sees fourth-graders writing sentences like "I eat ice cream alot." How does something like that get passed a copy editor? Really? And after so long? Nobody thought "There's a major type-o right in the middle of the second title. Maybe we should pull the ad?" So so so lazy. So so so unapologetically stupid. Second big issue: the first step in ordering any drink is walking up to the bar. They may as well say "STEP ONE: DRIVE TO A PLACE THAT SELLS CUERVO BLACK." Whoops... sorry. "STEP ONE: DRIVETO A PLACE THAT SELLS CUERVO BLACK." Why even bother choosing this stupid step-by-step form? Because otherwise this commercial would literally cease to exist.

4) Who do you think is sexier? The dark-eyed guy in the muscle shirt with the five o'clock shadow? Or the dark-eyed guy in the peasant blouse with the five o'clock shadow?

5) STEP TWO: ORDER A CUERVO BLACK AND COLA. Wait a minute. Wait... wait a minute. I don't know how to do that. Right? I mean, that's why I'm hear, right? Okay, so... let's just see here... So, I want to order a CBC. So, following these directions... I just walk up to the bar. I order the CBC. Wait a minute, how do I do that... Let's see... Okay, I just walk up to the bar and I... Great. Now I'm stuck in an infinitely loop. Again.

6) "No no, buddy. With Cola." You idiot. You fucking loser. God, I don't know why I even come to this place. Seriously. You think I'm just some kind of fucking jackoff who just comes to a place and orders a shot of Cuervo Black? Did you even see my five o'clock shadow? This obvious message here is: "Listen up, hip people of the world. Those bartenders, they're gonna try to hold you back. You're going to order the Cuervo Black and Cola, the MOTHER OF ALL HIP, COOL DRINKS, and they're just gonna be like "What? Cuervo Black in a shot glass? Coming right up." You're going to have to be constantly vigilant. Don't expect the world to understand. Sometimes all you can do is shake your head and say, "No no, buddy. Friend. Pal. I believe I said 'with cola.'"

7) Oh, and feel free to have a good laugh with your hip friends when that total homo behind the bar reaches for the shot glass. You can feel free to spit in his face if you feel like it. Anybody who fears the CBC is gonna get trampled by life eventually anyway.

8) STEP 3: SIT BACK, RELAX AND... You know, I almost begrudgingly admire this moment. The obvious message, as is almost always the case with these kinds of commercials is, "Use our products and you can fuck hot chicks." But here, subliminally, the Cuervo people almost actually say that out loud. To my mind, the obvious ending to this sentence, in context, is "Sit back, relax and fuck this blonde girl." And, because the sentence doesn't end on the title card, and because we jump right from the narrator to the girl saying "Enjoy," it feels just about the same as if they came right out and said it. I don't have much more to say on that topic, because if you think that drinking cool drinks means that you get to bed hot chicks, well then... I'd love to hang out where you hang out.

9) It's sort of a throw away, but because the longest continuous narration comes at the end, it seems like the apt place to point out the narrator's voice. He's got that awful, lecherous morning DJ voice, but it's filtered through a phone filter, so it sounds... I don't know... even cooler? I don't mean cool in terms of reality cool. More cool in the terms of VH1's "I Love the 90s" cool. Like, basically, I totally believe that the guy with that voice would hang out with the guy in the muscle shirt.

So, I don't know about you, but I feel a lot better having written this. I mean, I don't have much of resonance to say about it. It's basically just the most vapid, uninspired, illogical, counter-intuitive commercial that I can possibly imagine. It is the apotheosis of the shallowest possible version of coolness captured on film and played (by my count) at least three times in a half hour broadcast. And, in the end, I'm most offended by the idea that that version of cool is going to sell product. I mean, apparently it does, but why? Why does it and why should it and why can it? Those are the questions which immediately come to mind every time I see that stupid dance step title that starts off the whole abysmal mess. And that rush of disgust at humanity is about enough to ensure that, despite being a great lover of tequila, cola and non-conventional drinks all, I will never ever ever ever order a Cuervo Black and Cola.

For more on this, I invite you to check out my MySpace blog on MTV reality television, which explains in far greater detail the ways in which TV is probably unwinding the fabric of society.

Merry Christmas to me!